You can't pee in the alley any more by Sumner A Ingmark
You can’t pee in the alley any more, Some new folks in the neighborhood deplore, Such things – and they get madder, When you go tap your bladder, Than when they find graffiti on their door.
| Our block is diverse, if you check the roll, Some gays, Blacks, and Muslims, that is our goal. We won’t make a big fuss, If they act just like us, Sufferance on our terms is what we extol. |
Please don’t sit on your porch smoking weed, ‘Cause the folks down the street all agreed, No more biding their time, They’ll instead drop a dime, And the cops will respond, guaranteed,
| You can have a block party, but oh, The loud music and dancing must go, And lest folks get a load on, Drinking beer is verboten, Unleashed dogs are another no-no.
| Do not drop a bottle in your trash, Or the ecosystem it will crash, You’ll be the butt of Al Gore’s shame, The one the vigilantes blame, ‘Sides, they’re fining offenders for cash.
| They thought the neighborhood was awful, Activities just plain unlawful, So to suburbia they fled, But things turned ‘round and back they head, Giving us who stayed a pissant crawful.
| It takes demeanor strong and true, Your own endeavors to persue, When principles for which you stand, Don’t fit into the bourgeois brand, And get denounced as ballyhoo.
| What saved the neighborhood from blight, When the mobile middle class took flight? Multi-family rental conversions, On which the yuppies now cast aspersions, And hope to reverse, with Penn’s moneyed might.
| Forget about Clark Park as “my ground” ‘Cause folks who claim the moral high ground, Have already made the big decision, To change it to reflect their vision: A well-controlled pie-in-the-sky ground.
| Put an end to farting in the street, We all want this district smelling sweet, And if your doggie dares to poop, You’ve got to spray as well as scoop, Prepare for scolding if you cheat.
| You’ve got to modulate your talk, When the time’s past 10 o’clock, Woe betides the girls and boys, Who walk by my house making noise, Thinking that this rule’s a crock.
| Folks come to visit from afar, Our restaurants that serve foie gras, They don’t want pizza topped with liver, From greasy spoons that food deliver, Though they’d settle for a sushi bar.
| Our denizens are in a panic, The market’s out of food organic, Will business slow or even stop, As people go elsewhere to shop, With fervor verging on the manic?
| In research and teaching Upenn is first class, The learned professors are hard to surpass, But the community relators, At best are second-raters, So, please, Dr Gutmann, call the wolves off our ass.
| The do-gooders are going beserk, To light streets where they think muggers lurk, But they don’t give a damn, That the project’s a sham, Which the researchers say will not work.
| Penn acts like the neighborhood bully, And wants to control the place fully, With plans they’re prolific, They think are terrific, But the rest of us think are just wooly.
| I pick up the paper, read it, and weep, When I learn that our civic groups line up like sheep, To get in on the handouts, You’d think there’d be standouts, Who knew they were whoring for cheap.
| They claimed historic designation, Would be the neighborhood’s salvation, From owners who ostensibly, Acted reprehensibly. We doubted their true aspiration.
| It shouldn’t be very surprising, If taxes will skyward be rising. The area’s been identified, As one that’s being gentrified, So assessments get drastic revising.
| The realtor didn’t say those, Young renters next door didn’t close, Their window blinds and, Then naked they’d stand, Why we look at them, nobody knows.
| There aren’t any spaces to park, My new car, getting home after dark, Cause the building next door, Has one family per floor, And each drives a battered-up ark.
| They want a liquor store, oy vey, Across from where the Muslims pray, It’s not that they show bias, ‘Gainst a group that’s rather pious, They just scoff at another’s way.
| The posters on poles get torn down, By neighbors who see them and frown, The signs do no harm, In fact, they add charm, To this pedestrian-friendly old town.
| They put trash bins at corners for litter, But the lesson they’re learning is bitter, ‘Cause folks use them instead, For the garbage they dread, Left at home will attract some wild critter.
| We’re lucky to have some stately old trees, And almost the whole population agrees, They’re worth working at saving, Not destroying for paving, Or for visions of planners to please.
| Zoning changes that increase the density, Are fought by some here with intensity, The dissenters’ fundamentals Is that they don’t want more rentals, But for condos they have a propensity.
| They sweep the walks, some every day, And doing so are quick to say, It’s safer and cleaner, There’s better demeanor, ‘Mongst the folks you think get in your way.
| The homeless may sleep in the gutter, But watch what you say about clutter, You may be roundly admonished, So don’t at all be astonished, By whatever the person may mutter.
| The funkiest vibes in the city, Are in our community pretty, Those vibes we loudly hail, Will soon be brought upscale, By a know-it-all steering committee.
| They don’t need empirical data, To back up their harebrained schemata, Their intentions are moral, So they won’t brook a quarrel, And what we may think doesn’t matter. |
© 2007, Sumner A Ingmark All rights reserved
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